Dawn's Journal

2010-03-24T15:33:00.000-07:00

intervention blog: http://pinktoblack17.blogspot.com/

Sometimes I wonder why.....

2010-03-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

Truly, sometimes I wonder why I am not a drinker, a smoker or a cutter. Its almost as if I am a goody two shoes. The thing is, I don't WANT to be a goody two shoes. I want to die my hair black (again) and I want to not care, not be so organized. I think I would have less stress. I hate being the goody goody that I am. I simply hate it. Maybe what I need is an intervention. A self intervention. I will stop caring and stop being "miss perfect." It is tiring to try and keep up that act. I will keep y'all posted on my intervention!

The Days Get Brighter.

2010-03-23T16:33:00.000-07:00

I never thought it could actually happen but I think that my life is takeing a turn for the better. I had an awsome 2 straight days with him and I can not wait for the rest of the week. When I told him I was taking construction tech, he told me he would help me. Then, he stares at me when we pass eachother, we do not break our deep looking into eachothers' eyes. He pulled me out of the crowded hallway to tell me about an achivement AND went out of his way to find me on the bus and wave to me. The confusing part is, I saw a guy I used to like. When he saw him and I talking, he walked by and punched me in the shoulder, breaking up our conversation. Then, when he was on the bus and I was standing with one of my friends, I caught him in deep stare, staring at ME! I smiled and waved. Embarassed, he waved back. Hmm. My question today is that why is being an adolecent so difficult?

The light from the sun seems to foreshadow him.

His head is down on his arms. There is an open seat beside him. My seat.

He looks up at me. His beautiful, ocean blue eyes glaze up at me through the shade of your

dark, shaggy hair. "Hey." Your voice echoes in my head, causeing the ground to shake around

me and my hair to burst behind me. I get goose flesh as I inch ever closer to you.

The Pain Subsides

2010-03-21T05:27:00.000-07:00

The emotional pain has subsided, but if only for a moment. Tommarrow inches closer and I have recently discovered that I have left my IPOD with my friend! I can't even drown out the large crowds tommarrow. I can't drown anyone out. I think the only good part of school is that I have to walk. It is very far but I will drop weight. It takes me 45 minutes to walk there and 45 minutes to walk home. The deal was, I could only take the bus in the winter. Whatever. The bus company is stupid.

Anyways, I asked the guy I like if he was happy that I left Great Wolf Lodge. This was our conversation:

"Were you happy that I left yesterday?"
"It really wasn't that different when you left."
"Thats not an answer, lol."
"Well, I wasn't happy, I just wondered why you left."

Then he logged off. I just wish that I knew for sure. He sends me such mixed signals. One of my biggest fears is that no one will love me. That I will be that lonley 40 year old women who has never been kissed or had a date. Whenever she walks by, everyone snickers.

Deppression Gets Worse

2010-03-20T08:24:00.000-07:00

I came home from Great Wolf Lodge last night. I was supposed to stay the night but I couldn't make it. I was having a panic attack to the fullest last night and I stopped at nothing to get home.

I would give anything to be in a hospital. All safe and sound in a room. Not having to get out of my bed or go into the outside world if I didn't want to. I have completely isolated myself today and I don't even want to leave my room. I am scared about school on Monday and I am trying to convince my mom to let me homeschool myself. I am even having thoughts of dropping out of school because I am so afraid to be there. I was to be in my own little box by myself. Dark and comfortable. I never want to go outside again. Ever.

Day Six: Sleepover and Friends.

2010-03-17T19:21:00.000-07:00

My friend Tanisha is sleeping over tonite. This is quite a large step for me because not only do I not like sleeping over, but I am not fond of people sleeping over either. Tanisha is different, though. I feel I can accomplish so much with her. And she understands me! I can talk to Moth with Tanisha around. She belives me and does not think I am crazy! It is so refreshing!

AnywAys, I had better get back to playing host. :) TaTa for now! :P

Self Diagnosis

2010-03-15T14:48:00.000-07:00

Today, I went to my towns local thrift shop with my mother. Downstairs, I was looking at all the books an I passed the "Self Help" section. Imedeatly, my eyes focused on a book that was titled: "The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook." I grabbed it and ran to show my mom. "You don't need that!" she protested. In the end, I won the battle anf boy, do I feel good about it.

I was flipping through and found a quiz called "Self Diagnosis Questionnaire." It was two and a half pages. When I was finished, my result was:

Agoraphobia and Panic Disorder.

I am relieved to know that my anxiety actually has a name. Here are little blurbs about each of my results:

Agoraphobia: "The word 'agoraphobia' means fear of open spaces; however, the essence of agoraphobia is a fear of panic attacks. If you suffer from agoraphobia, you are afraid of being in situations from which escape might be difficult-or in which help might be unavalible-if you suddenly had a panic attack. It is normal for an agoraphobic to avoid public places such as crowded public places, enclosed or confined places, public transportation and being home alone. 80% of agoraphobics are women. Agoraphobics have difficulty standing up for themselves. Agoraphobics also avoid being away from home, being away or too far from a safe person and being alone. Agoraphobics fall into the habit of asking 'What if?'"

Panic Disorder: "Panic disorder is characterized by sudden episodes of intense fear that occur, most of the time 'out of the blue.' If you suffer from panic disorder, you may be frightened by your symtoms and consult your doctor to find a medical cause. Panic disorder is useually accompanied by Agoraphobia. Only about 1% of the population has a 'pure' panic disorder."

After I took that quiz, I flipped a couple pages and found a "Life Events Survey." This calculates my stress level. My final score was 366. "If your score is over 300, you are likely experienceing some detrimental effeccts of cumulative stress." Greeeeeat! -_-

Anyways, that was my afternoon update. I will probably take a bath in the next hour and then continue reading this book. If you want more information or want to find this book, I will post the title and the author below:

THE ANXIETY & PHOBIA WORKBOOK

EDMUND J. BOURNE, PH.D.

Day Five: 4:20am

2010-03-15T01:16:00.000-07:00

Here we go again. No sleep. I'll do this about once or twice a week. I will wake up at 2:00 or 3:00am and I am unable to fall back asleep. I get clammy hands and it is almost a fear of going back to sleep. Once again, I am alone in the dark. Tonight I have my cat beside me but he is asleep. I can hear my mother snoring away down the hall. I hope that she will wake up to use the bathroom. I want to convince her to stay up with me. I know that is a selfish thing to ask at 4:20am but you do some abnormal things when your afraid. I put in a movie and I have watched "17 Again" about three times now. No one in the apartments around us is awake. It is somewhat comforting to hear them walking around. As far as I know, I am the only one awake in this entire house. I plan to start moving around at 6:00am. I will make up and excuse or somthing for me being up so early. Mom will be sure to question that. Once I finish this blog, there will be nothing else to do for the next hour or two. I will be sitting here, wide awake, wishing I was asleep. I have to go to my Dad's house later on. Hopefully he can see me today. I can't any other day this week. Busy all seven days! Plus, it gives me something to do that I can leave my room.

This room seems to be a security blanket of some sort. I find myself not wanting to leave it. Ever. Well, I inhale deeply as I reach the end of my blog. I exhale while looking at the light switch, wishing I could reach it from my bed. My eyes grow heavy from looking at this computer screen. They want to rest but I simply can't.

More later.

Me,Myself And I

2010-03-14T14:09:00.000-07:00

I find myself being alone more then not when I am not at school. My mother is always out and this is hell for someone with separation anxiety. I have been on this bed, looking out this window for three straight days now. Well, with the exeption of the pajama parrty.

I am too afraid to go outside when my moms not home. I am even too afraid to leave my room if she isn't home. I go to the bathroom and rush back in. Sometimes, there is nothing else to do other then stare blankly out the window. I have cleaned, packed and febreezed all I could. I don't want to nap or sleep. What if someone comes in while I am asleep?? I wish there was a pill that I could take whenever I was afraid to help settle me. The ones I am on now, my doctor has boosted 3 times already and they still are not helping! *Sigh.

Well I'll go back to staring out my window. There is a balloon stuck in the tree across the yard beside my house. This is a new surprise! (Sarcasim)

Day Four: Lying In Bed.

2010-03-14T08:41:00.000-07:00

I look outside only to find the rain still coming down and no chance of me getting outside today. Maybe I will go to the library later but maybe not. This week coming up is going to be stressful because it's...well...full. There is somthing going on every day this week! Don't get me wrong, I am super exited about everything but I am just thinking about all that I have to do. So much for a March Break.

Anyways, right now I am lying in bed. I will probably go and have a bath soon. Then clean my room. After that I will most likley then not start packing my suitcase for Friday. I know it is early but I like to be organized and ready. I still have to calm myself down about the whole thing. Everytime I think about great wolf lodge, I get more and more nervous. The last thing I want is to have a panic attack there.

Anyways, I will post more later, Ciao!

Saturday Night Update.

2010-03-13T16:16:00.000-08:00

Nothing really spectacular happened. Right now I am listening to the squeezy sounds of my mother doing the dishes. I will probably paint my toenails later. Yellow with purple stars. I am in a writing mood so I will probably write a short story tonight, I'll post it later on or tommarrow.

I know there is no one else out there reading this so I wonder why I even write. ThankYou Tanisha for reading this. I guess a blog is just a string of hope that someone out there hears your story, steps into your life and can relate. There is also the possibility that no one will ever read these words and you'll be stuck inside your own mind for eternity.

Day Three: March Break Finally Starts.

2010-03-13T07:41:00.000-08:00

As you know, last night I went to my friend Taylors house. I had a blast and there was very little drama and none included me! We played call of duty and I realized that I am a very competitive person! When I was there, I also had a super minor panic attack but a panic attack none the less. I went outside for a few minutes and I was fine.

Tanisha had a headache and wanted to go upstairs near the end of the night so Taylor and I went with her. Playing host, Taylor eventually went back down and I stayed with Tanisha. We had a few heart to hearts. I love those conversations! I also got to briefly meet Tanisha's mother when she came to pick her up. All in all, it was a good night.

Today, I think it is just a chill day Today and tommarrow. When monday hits, then the spring cleaning, preparations and everything else hits. I am supposed to to go Tanisha's house on Wednesday and pray that my mom doesn't make any appointments for that day, because then both Tanisha and I will be pretty upset and I hate cancelling on people. I have cleaned my room and now I am just thinking of somthing to do. I will probably update later on.

Pajama Party

2010-03-12T15:18:00.001-08:00

Tonite, I am going to a pajama party. My first social outing in a while. (Outside of school.)

There will be girls there that I am not the closest with. Not that I don't like them, it's just I have never really gotten to know them, therefore trusting them will be harder then most. One the broght side, Tanisha and Taylor will be there so it should be fun! :) Talking about boys and such. Spilling secrets, dares, movies and food. Sounds like fun. I just hope there isn't too much drama for my liking. I love the drama, although I hate when I am in it.

My First Biography!

2010-03-12T12:29:00.000-08:00

I am writing my first biography on my friend, Tanisha. I just met her this year in my Civics/Carrers class and she is such a joy to be around! I love her to death! I have also found something interesting and very peculiar about her-she has an Evil Personality. Tanisha also suffers from anxiety and deppression. Just by reading her blog and autobiography, Tanisha has invited me to step into her life. I must that her for that because now I am intrigued! Before I begin chapter one, I must get some background on Tanisha and we will hopefully be getting together sometime on this march break for an interveiw. For more information about Tanisha, you can visit her blog: http://forbiddenregrets.blogspot.com/

Anyways, it is very rainy outside but that didn't stop me from shopping! I went to my local thrift shop to get a suitcase and sucseeded! I need one because I am going to Great Wolf Lodge with my youth group on the 19th. My anxiety is getting the better of me and even now as I write this, I am getting sweaty palms and that tight feeling in my chest. I'll be so far from home! What if something happens? What if the building burns down to ash? What is there is monoxide or something!? You can't smell that, yet, it can and WILL kill you.

At times like these, I wish I had someone to call because I hate getting freaked out like this. Wait, scratch that. If I did have someone to call, they would be mad at me for calling constantly and daily. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel scared or afraid.

Day Two: Sweet Dreams.

2010-03-12T04:08:00.000-08:00

I heard once that if you love someone, you'll know by if you dream about them. After hearing this about a year ago, I started to wish and pray that I would have dreams about my "special someone." Last night, I had my first dream!

We were at school. I was with him all day. Just the two of us. It went on like any normal day. And any normal day with him is spectacular! Anyways, we were walking down the halls and he took my hand. but still kept walking. All I could think about was my palms getting sweaty but, they didn't. Then all of a sudden, I was standing infront of my locker and it was open. I looked around for him but he wasn't found anywhere. I looked into my locker again and I saw my faveorite flower (bleeding hearts) laying on the top shelf with a closed note. Exited, I read the note. I can still see it so clear that it was like it actually existed.

Dawn,

I think I love you.

There was no name at the bottom but I knew who it was from. I threw the note back into my locker and slammed the door. I went to go and find him. Then, I all of a sudden knew that he went out for lunch. When he returned, I threw my arms around him. He hugged me back! Then, we started to walk down the hall and thats when I woke up.

I was so happy with my dream that I started thinking about him and now there is no stopping me! My day will now have meaning and light. Even if there is no sun!

Thanks for reading and I hope that your day is just as wonderful as mine will be!

Day One: Alittle Blurb About Me.

2010-03-11T18:06:00.000-08:00

I would first like to start off by thanking everyone for taking time to read this and plunging into my personal thoughts, hopes and dreams. I must warn you though, you are about to embark on an emotional rollercoaster. There will be some ups and downs. If you think you are ready, read on.

My life started out great! Beautiful mother and stunning father. I grew up like any normal kid. I had lots of friends, played soccer and enjoyed swimming. I have been writing since the young age of five. I made it to third grade without a scratch. All of a sudden, my life hit rock bottom. My father took my mother and me to Disney World in Florida. When we came back, he dropped us and left. Just LEFT! He left on my eighth birthday. Not even two weeks later, he had a girlfriend. You can do the math. My mother and I have been on our own ever since. In August of 2004, my step-brother was born. Johnathan. He was a premature baby with water in his lungs. He has also been diagnosed with Autism. Don't let those doctors fool you, he is smart, funny and he lights up my world. I love that kid to death. Inbewteen then and now, my mother and father have gotten closer, yet further apart. I thought it would be a good idea if they were friends but I was wrong. Things got awkward (for me) and all of a sudden, my mother was going out on outings with them and even staying for dinner! Now, my mom and I are really close so I can talk to her about anything. I told her how this was making me feel and we agreed that she and dad would not get together so much. It started giving me more hope then there was.

Rewinding a bit to August of 2008. My step-sister was born. Exited that it was a girl, I cleared my mind of every thought and just thought of tea parties, dress up and barbies. I had forgotten the reality of the subject. I was not the little girl anymore, (i haven't been for 8 years now but that is beside the point) and I really didn't like that. A week or so after Hannah was born, I started getting tight feelings in my chest. I clench my fists when I walk alone and my hands would get clammy when I was alone with an adult. I talked to my mom about it. She told me it was nothing and that I would get over it. It has been a year and a half and I have only gotten worse. Now, I look over my shoulder when I walk anywhere, refuse to sleepover at anyones house, I can't stand being alone but I love it at the same time and I have to know where my mother is at all times.

Recently, I have started taking flaming hot showers and baths. Not just warm or hot but BLAZING HOT! So hot that it turns my skin cherry red. I sweat and feel faint that I have to rush out of the bathroom and sit down. My mother gets irritated and asks me why I do that. My response? "I don't know." But in actuality, I do know. It is a form of self-harm. I have talked to alot of my friends who cut themselves or make themselves throw up but I never thought my issues would result in self-harm. I just hope it doesn't get any worse. Or I go any further. Something that has been running through my head is to shave my legs, then pour boiled water onto them. I can't stop thinking about it but I have to make myself or it could just get worse.

To top everything off, I have a moderate case of Anxiety. I take pills to calm me down and to keep me sane, less deppressed. It feels like I am taking candy because I don't feel or see a change. I still have my panic attacks and I still walk to my bus stop, looking over my shoulder. I still have to breathe into a paper bag and I still have separation anxiety.

The only place that I feel free and alive is in nature. Outside in the beautiful nature. The crisp air, the breezey trees and singing birds. It is wonderful! That, my small group of friends and my "special someone" keep me going everyday. I think I have written enough for tonight but tune in tommarrow for some more about me.